Cambridge Latin Course, a parody.. Really
by Leader
Summary: A weird Latin homework I got, it was so weird and wonderful, I decided to put it up here. Please read and Review


Modestus and Bulbus were the two most feared Private Dicks in the Big Apple, but recently Bulbus has had an edge on his adversary. His secretary, Wilbia, seemed to get information on all their cases before it came to the cops' attention! She also had an innate skill in spotting people in need of help, or a cap in the ass. Bulbus just dismissed this as luck, but recently after too many "lucky" cases, he has started to suspect something's not right…

_ _

_Bulbus walks into his office, as he pushes on the stained glass with "Bulbus, P.I." printed on it, he notices something isn't right._

_ _

Bulb: Wilbia? Hey Will! You Here?

Bulbus walks up to the slightly smaller desk in the corner, rolls up his copy of The Shadow, and tapped the occupant of the desk on the back of the head. Gutta, his lackey, stroked the stubble on his chin, coming 'round from his alcohol-induced slumber.

_ _

Bulb: Drinking _again _Gutta? Or have you actually been doing some work tonight?

Gutta: Yeah boss, sure boss. I was just. Ah, looking at these files and, ah…a bottle of scotch appeared? Yeah! It appeared boss, and it said…. (Deep voice) DRINK ME!

Bulb: Yeah, yeah. Do you know where Will is?

Gutta: Will? Ah, I think she, ah… went out? I don't know boss, you see, I was working, ah so so, hard and I mustn't have seen her go.

Bulb: Thank you Gutta. Get back to your "work"

Gutta: Right away boss!

Bulbus strode across the room and entered the main body of the office; he closed the door, hung up his coat. Sat down, and lit a cigarette. Meanwhile, after Bulbus had left the room, Gutta picked up the bottle of Jack Daniels off the floor and took a deep swig.

Modestus sat in his chair, facing Wilbia, he nursed the revolver in his hands, playfully unloading and reloading the six-shooter.

Mod: So, Wilbia. My young one, why did you feel the need to "jump over the fence" and appeal for a part in my business? Wasn't ol' Bulbus treating you well?

Wil: No, dear Modestus. You are the one I love.

Wilbia sat in a more comfortable chair than Modestus; she sat there, pupils dilated, head rocking back and forth. Like a Windsor who's gone 20 rounds with an Irishman.

Modestus smiled, his informants were correct, she was totally out of it. If they were correct about the powers…

Mod: Tell me, Wilbia. How do you seem to get the jump on even the fair police of this great state!

Wil: The thoughts just appear in my head, like déjà vu. The thoughts always come when I talk to people. Like, the other day, I was talking to a man, and I suddenly saw a picture of all his family. I knew their names, birthdays, everything. Jennifer…6th of November 1913. I still know these things!

Mod: So you…. Put this to use by, when these visions show people in danger, you tell Bulbus and he goes and saves the day?

Wil: Yeah, but you see. I want to work for you! Will you please take me on?

Modestus knew that this was just a side effect of the elixir; she would be deceived in her judgements. When the elixir wore off however, all the cases have committed suicide because of the decisions made.

Mod: Of course I will dear. Can you just excuse me a second? I need to just make an important phone call.

Modestus walked out of the room into the main office. Picked up the phone, and dialled a number. A person with a broad Irish accent picked up the phone.

Person: Yes? Who's this? How did you get this number?

Mod: Don't worry old man! It's Modestus, we have the girl. She's definitely something out of the ordinary. Do you have the money?

Person: Yes, five thousand, as we agreed. You have served the Catholic Church well son; God will be with you always.

Mod: Yeah, but I don't believe in God.

Modestus put the phone down, and walked out of the office. Followed by Wilbia. He went into the Speak Easy on the corner of 5th. The bar now closed. Had been converted into a burning ground, the tables and chairs had been stacked at the sides of the room. A big wooden stake had been placed in the centre, surrounded by empty liquor bottles, books from a new age store that had been abandoned weeks ago.

Crowd: (whispering) Witch! Sinner! Lover of Satan!

Wilbia: (coming around from elixir) What's goin' on? Modestus? What's the Speak-Easy doin' laack this?

Wilbia screamed out as one of the waiters grabbed her by the arms, and pushed her towards the stake. He quickly, wrapped and tied ropes around her. A woman dressed in formal Catholic housewife wear, approached the stake, with a 2x4 and a match.

Bulbus: Stop!! What are you doing? She's innocent.

A Priest walks from the shadows, one eye blue, and one red.

Priest: Miss Wilbia has committed the highest crime in all of Christendom; she has sold her soul to the antithesis of all we worship. The Devil!!Burn her! That's the only way to right this wrong.

The woman with the match drops the match into the liquor. Bulbus, putting his police firearm training to use, shoots from the hip at the match. The .45 magnum bullet ripped through the match, disintegrating it instantly and putting out the flame. Beside the priest, Modestus pulls out his Detective Special, and fires off a couple of rounds in the direction of Bulbus, who had already dived for cover behind the bar. For a few seconds, the room was still. Then within seconds the bar had emptied, leaving Modestus and Bulbus behind cover, and Wilbia, tied to a wooden stake, gently sobbing to herself.

Bulb: We've got to come out sometime Modestus, so why don't we just leave peacefully while you still have a face?

Mod: Oh Bulbus! Always with the cracks, and the jokes.

Bulb: Don't you know the police will be here soon?

Mod: The police? Don't make me laugh! The Italians own the police, and the Irish have deep connections with a particular family of Italians. This bar hasn't been busted for months.

Bulb: Someone will report the gunfire; the police are going to come!

Mod: Sorry Bulbus, but I'm bored. I'm going to kill your girlfriend and make a classy get away. True Modestus style.

Modestus aimed the pistol in between Wilbia's eyes. A smash from behind Modestus rocked the bar. 2 men entered, both holding a pistol each. Modestus shot the first man twice in the chest. He fell to the floor. Bulbus jumped up from behind the bar and emptied his revolver into Modestus.

After untying Wilbia, the mysterious men state their business.

Man: (English accent) We heard of the supernatural occurrences that were going on, and we hoped that we could…look after Wilbia. You see, we watch and we are always here. Investigators of the Paranormal, The Talamasca. We've been watching this young girl for some time, and we knew this was going to happen. Do you mind if we take her back to the Motherhouse? We will take care of her, and make sure that she never comes in harms way again.

Bulbus could only nod in approval. He sat there against the stake, exhausted. He watched the mysterious man and his friend, who had astonishingly healed in that short space of time; carry Wilbia, who had fainted during the gunfight, out of the Bar and into their awaiting car.


End file.
